This Crazy, Beautiful Life

It's been a crazy, busy month here in our home! In the past month, I have taken 3 trips out-of-state, leaving my kids (except Avigail) for the first and second times. It has been challenging, but it has been good. Even my trip to Minnesota for my uncle's funeral was a good trip - getting to be there with my family for this difficult time was priceless.

Now that I'm home, we're working on getting back into a routine.  We've restarted school again after a 3-week break.  I'm so thankful that my home was kept in great shape (thanks especially to my wonderful mom-in-law!), but I'm trying to get caught up on the random chores that tend to get neglected when I'm busy.

And on top of all of that, I'm super tired because... I'm pregnant again!  Yep, we'll be welcoming another sweet little one to our family next May.

And I think this is where I want to go for this blog.  I've been trying to figure out what to blog about, because I have had so much on my mind lately that it's been hard to focus it all into a cohesive thought.  But I think that what the Lord has been teaching me has a lot of value, and hopefully you will be able to glean something from it as well.

Finding out that I was pregnant was not just surprising, but rather terrifying.  To be brutally honest, when I saw that second blue line, I sobbed and sobbed - body-racking, uncontrollable sobs.  When I was finally able to stop, it wasn't for long - I cried many times during that first day.

See, way back when Mark and I first had Eliza, we wanted to have five children.  And that has been the case ever since.  But when I was pregnant with Avigail, Mark told me that he was thinking that he really wanted to be done having children with four.  I told him that if the baby was born a girl, I would probably be okay with that, but if it was a boy, I'd want to try again for a girl.  :-)  He sorta-agreed with me, and we left it at that.  It was still very stressful for me.  I didn't feel done having children, didn't feel complete, didn't feel ready to end that season of my life.  Then Avigail was born, and the talks began again.  I actually struggled a lot with depression because of it. Even though I was sorta-okay with the idea, it was like a part of me would have to die.  But I love my husband, and I totally understand that he's exhausted with parenting young children and ready to move on to the next season of life.  And over the next year, I finally came to a place where I agreed with him.  I was ready to move on.  While I knew I'd miss getting to have another baby, I also knew that I'd always wonder what it would be like to have just one more!

Anyway, back to my story.  So, I'd wrestled with all sorts of emotions over the past year in coming to a point where I was excited about being done having children and being ready to move beyond diapers and sleepless nights.  And no sooner had that happened (and we'd decided to take the next step towards that), than this happened.  It was as if God was answering us with a firm "No."  I didn't understand it.  Why?  Why had God caused me to get pregnant when I shouldn't have been able to?  Why didn't He listen to my exhausted husband's heart's desire?  Why did He wait for me to finally come to grips with not having any children, just to yank the rug out from under me with this shocking news?  And why did He pick me (again) instead of one of those couples who can't have children and want so desperately to??  I was angry, hurt, sad, frustrated.  I felt so lost, and walked around all day in a daze.  I called my best friend, my mom, and my mom-in-law - all in tears.  It was a hard, long day.

But in the back of my mind, I knew that I really didn't have an option.  I really didn't have a right to question God, a right to argue with His infinite wisdom and power.  So I had my day-long pity party, and went to bed an emotional mess.

The next morning, I came downstairs for my quiet time.  Thankfully I was up before the kids were, so my quiet time was actually quiet.  Ahh..  I opened up my gratitude journal, as is my habit first thing.  But I couldn't think of a single thing to be thankful for.  My heart was hurting and raw.  I began to cry again.  I sat there on the couch, talking my thoughts out to the Lord.

"Why, God?  I don't understand!"
"I'm SO tired, so very tired."
"Why did you let me finally get to be okay with being done and then put this on me?"
"I can't do this again!"  

And one by one, the Father answered me with His calm, sure words.

"Yes, Judy, you can do it."
"You have learned so much through each of your children, but I have more that I still want to teach you."
"I want you to trust Me.  Trust that I know best.  Trust that I will give you the strength you need."
"You will come out of this stronger, and better equipped for the life I have for you, but you have to trust Me."

As I began to let go of my own worries, He filled me with peace - and even a bit of joy!  I'm not saying there aren't times when I still struggle.  It's been 4 weeks already since I found out, and I'm still not always very joyful about it.  But if I keep my eyes on my Creator, He helps me see the joy and the blessing.  Remember this post? (You Are Joy)  This was my heart's meditation that day, and it still is now. God IS Joy - He IS Peace - He IS Love.  And His ways - they are perfect.

Learning the Blessing of Mourning

Wow, where do I start?  This month has been one of the most roller-coaster months I have ever experienced.  In the course of one month, we have started school for the year, celebrated family birthdays(including my 30th!), traveled to Seattle twice, made some major life decisions (more on this later), received some surprising family news (more on this later, too), started a college course, celebrated the arrival of my newest nephew (welcome, baby Owen!), and lastly, received the shattering news of my uncle's murder.

For those of you who don't know me on Facebook, here's the quick recap: on Thursday evening (the 27th), there was a shooting in Minneapolis.  A disgruntled ex-employee went on a vengeful shooting spree at his former office, killing 4 people plus himself.  My uncle was an innocent bystander - the UPS delivery guy dropping off a package at the wrong time.

My Uncle Keith

My uncle, Keith Basinski, was an amazing person.  Everyone loved him.  He radiated happiness and joy.  He was genuine and giving.  I remember his selfless hospitality - we always stayed at his house when we visited Minneapolis and he was always willing to do whatever to help us feel comfortable and welcome.  Mark said that he holds a special place in his heart as well - so full of joy and kindness.  Learning of his death was quite a blow. 

Death is hard to process by itself, but I've learned this week that murder is a different story altogether.  It's so dark, so evil. 

I've been working through my grief these last few days.  My uncle was a believer, so I have the comfort of knowing his destiny and that he is with the Father right now.  But it is still hard to have someone snatched from life so quickly, so cruelly.

Mark has been reading a book about the Beatitudes, and he suggested the next chapter, which was on mourning.  So I read it this morning in my quiet time, and it really ministered to me, so I wanted to pass along some of the most poignant passages here.

"Mourning means they have given up their self-delusions about control, power and protection.  They know that life is fragile, and that they are not in charge."

"Only when life jolts us do we see the real picture of our existence, that we depend on God's graciousness for every breath.  Mourning brings about the acute awareness of powerlessness - an essential ingredient in spiritual growth."

"Yeshua looked out on the brokenhearted in the crowd and saw that some were ready, posed to accept the incredible announcement about to be theirs.  they were ready because they were the blessed ones.  God could reach them, now, in the moment of their raw openness."

"Yeshua knows that this comfort has two critical elements.  First, it is comfort found only by those who are at this moment open because of their agony.  And secondly, it is a promise that reaches beyond the immediate."

"It is the guarantee that no matter what crisis comes upon us, God is here.  God is in control.  Our lives are not adrift on a stormy sea of emotional trauma.  The Holy Spirit will stand as our Advocate when we fall.  He will intercede.  All of His unfathomable power, care and love will be ours because God hears our cry."

"So grief comes upon us, not as a judgment or a punishment but as the single most clarifying moment of life - the moment that I see that my life is not my own, that it is not even mine to keep.  At that moment, when I know my limits most intimately, I am ready to hear God's message - comfort is upon me."

My prayer in all this is that through grief, many people who were blessed by my Uncle Keith's life will be even more blessed through his death.  May they find the One who was the source of my uncle's joy, the foundation of his giving and generous life.

"Oh, so happy are those who at this moment are broken over life's finality because the day is upon them when God's gracious love is at hand and they have the promise that death is defeated."

"Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted." - Matthew 5:4

A few links honoring my uncle, Keith Basinski:

http://www.kare11.com/news/article/992930/396/UPS-driver-killed-in-shooting-remembered-as-a-gentle-spirit

http://www.myfoxtwincities.com/video?clipId=7779705&autostart=true

http://www.twincities.com/localnews/ci_21654524/minneapolis-shooting-ups-driver-was-devout-christian-packers

http://fridley.patch.com/articles/amazing-gentle-minneapolis-shooting-victim-keith-basinski-of-spring-lake-park-remembered

* All quotes except for Scripture are taken from "The Lucky Life - The Backwards Beatitudes," by Skip Moen, D.Phil.

Stretching, Growing, and Entering a New Season

Some of you may know that I visited the Seattle area this past weekend.  Mark sent me to a women's retreat at Beit Tikvah, our home congregation. I was excited and a bit apprehensive about it, being that it was the first time I'd ever left my big kids overnight (yes, ever!).  I also had with me a heavy feeling - not in a negative way, but in a full way.  I knew that the Lord had something planned for me in the retreat, but I really had no idea what.

I arrived in Seattle with Avigail on Friday night, got settled into our friends' home (what amazing hosts they were - such a blessing!), and got a good night's sleep.  On Saturday morning, I enjoyed a leisurely breakfast with my lovely hosts and a relaxing devotional time before making our way to BT for morning service.  The speaker for the women's retreat was Melody Green, wife of the late Keith Green (revolutionary Christian singer from the late 70s/early 80s).  The theme was "No Compromise", but I didn't yet know what that really meant. 

Keith Green

 

 

 (Click Here for Keith and Melody Green's testimonies and ministry website.)

Throughout the weekend, Melody spoke about their lives together, their ministry, and the challenges she has gone through since his untimely death.  Her main teaching text from the first day was this:

“I know your works, your toil and your patient endurance, and how you cannot bear with those who are evil, but have tested those who call themselves apostles and are not, and found them to be false. I know you are enduring patiently and bearing up for my name's sake, and you have not grown weary. But I have this against you, that you have abandoned the love you had at first. Remember therefore from where you have fallen; repent, and do the works you did at first."

(Revelation 2:2-5 ESV)

I meditated on this a bit on Saturday night and Sunday morning, and didn't quite know what to fully make of it.  How to we really love God?  (My immediate thought-response was "If you love me, obey my commandments.") What works is Yeshua referring to?

On Sunday morning, her main teaching text was this:

“When the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, then he will sit on his glorious throne. Before him will be gathered all the nations, and he will separate people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats. And he will place the sheep on his right, but the goats on the left. Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me.’ Then the righteous will answer him, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you drink? And when did we see you a stranger and welcome you, or naked and clothe you? And when did we see you sick or in prison and visit you?’ And the King will answer them, ‘Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.’

“Then he will say to those on his left, ‘Depart from me, you cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. For I was hungry and you gave me no food, I was thirsty and you gave me no drink, I was a stranger and you did not welcome me, naked and you did not clothe me, sick and in prison and you did not visit me.’ Then they also will answer, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or naked or sick or in prison, and did not minister to you?’ Then he will answer them, saying, ‘Truly, I say to you, as you did not do it to one of the least of these, you did not do it to me.’ And these will go away into eternal punishment, but the righteous into eternal life.”
   
(Matthew 25:31-46 ESV)

This really hit home.  How can it not?  As a busy mom, my life is consumed by the daily details of raising children, educating them, and running a home.  How often to I even take the time to give thought to all of the people around me who are needy in one way or another?  When was the last time I stepped outside my comfort zone to feed someone, invite a lonely person to my home, or provide basic living essentials such as clothing to someone who needed them?

I'm not beating myself up over this - I believe that we all go through seasons that are each important for their own reason.  Since we've moved, I've been in a season of reestablishing myself.  I've been focusing on getting back to the core of who I am and how my relationship with God works.  And there's nothing wrong with taking time to do that.  In fact, without that foundation, you really can't do anything else! 

But the Lord was speaking very clearly to me this weekend that this season that I've been in is coming to a close.  It's time to refocus a bit more on those around me.  Time to reach out and share God with others, especially in practical ways.  I don't yet know how this is going to look, but it's something I'm praying about and working through, and I'm excited to see how the Lord will be glorified in this next season!

Four Months of Grace, Thanks, Joy

"I run my fingers across the pages of the book. I read it slowly. In the original language, 'He gave thanks' reads 'eucharisteo.' I underline it on the page. The root word of eucharisteo is charis, meaning 'grace.' Jesus took the bread and saw it as grace and gave thanks. He took the bread and knew it to be gift and gave thanks.

But there is more.  Eucharisteo, thanksgiving, also holds the Greek word chara, meaning 'joy.' I breathe deep, like a sojourner finally coming home. That has always been the goal of the fullest life - joy."     ~Ann Voskamp, Selections From One Thousand Gifts

Two years ago I read a book that moved me deeply.  "One Thousand Gifts", by Ann Voskamp, challenged me to see my life through the constant lens of thankfulness and grace.  I started a gratitude journal - a list of thanks, of blessing, of grace.  It is a discipline, this learning to see grace in all things.  But it has deepened my walk with the Lord and helped me to see through His eyes so much more.  It has brought me more patience, more understanding, more joy.

It has been four months now since we moved to Idaho.  There has never been a doubt in my mind that this is where God wants us to be, yet there are times that it has been very hard.  Settling into a new home is a long process, especially when that includes starting over in the area of relationships.  But we have been blessed to meet some great people and are excited about what the future holds for our family.

As we hit our 4-month anniversary in our new home, I also reached 500 in my gratitude journal.  It's a big mark for me, and as I reached it I took some time to look back and read many of my entries over the past several months.  I was struck by how many of my thanks would not have been possible without the Lord bringing us here.

193. all of our friends who helped us move - working so hard, long, and selflessly
196. laying-on of hands and prayers from cherished friends
199. the sweet surprise of a beautiful drive to get to our new home
200. our new home - beautiful - and on the outskirts of town, in a beautiful setting off a country highway
213. grandparents living close
237. the homeschool freedom we enjoy in Idaho
250. horses down the street, in pastures of wildflowers
257. our first time enjoying our neighborhood pool
274. two generations of brothers, throwing footballs in the backyard
280. joy-filled days spent at the grandparents' house
285. the freedom, space, and safety we enjoy in our new home
294. summer days!
296. family time at the pool
298. mountains in the distance, decorating the horizon
299. grandparents, close enough to babysit
300. renewed vision for the future, with God's calling at the center!

I know that big changes can be so scary.  Even when you know that God is speaking, taking that big step of faith is so hard, so unsettling at times.  We doubt, we wonder, we can't see the future, and it is so, so hard!  But as I'm learning and growing, the Lord is good - always good - only good - and He knows the beginning from the end.  He knows the plans He has for us.  He knows the desires of our hearts.  And His plans for us are bigger than our own!  But in order to get to that place of being used, we must trust.  We must choose to take joy and offer thanks even when it is hard.  It is a discipline, but one with amazing payoff.

311. evening family walks around our neighborhood
367. family time to explore our new town
393. clarity, given by God, about His purposes
396. sunny days - now the norm
399. grandparents around for birthday celebrations
429. making new friends!
440. the sun, red at sunrise and sunset from all the smoke - beauty from the ugly
448. blue sky again after so many days of smoke-haze
458. Avigail's love for the outdoors, and how easy it is for her to access it
480. three kids in a row, all on scooters
501. the multitude of birds in the tree next door, all chirping together in the morning
507. my children's growing comfort in the water
509. the park behind our house
510. a summer of children riding bikes and scooters to their hearts' content

If you've never done it (or if you're just struggling with faith or joy), I highly recommend keeping a gratitude journal.  It will bless you, because it will bring you closer to the One who gives blessing. 

~Judy

As A Man Thinketh

"The aphorism, "As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he," not only embraces the whole of a man's being, but is so comprehensive as to reach out to every condition and circumstance of his life. A man is literally what he thinks, his character being the complete sum of all his thoughts."

-James Allen, As A Man Thinketh

As I said the other day, I struggle with depression. It's a topic that I've read a lot about and I've spent a lot of time thinking about. I have tried hard to keep it from getting the best of my life. But no matter what I do, it keeps resurfacing.

So the other day, as soon as I felt it creeping back in, I confronted it head-on. I remembered what a huge difference it made for me last time when I finally admitted to my friends that I was struggling. I felt a weight lift off my shoulders, and just felt this shift in my mindset - like I was no longer a passive victim, but a fighter, and it had to go! Shortly after that time, I was feeling much better.

Anyway, I've been pondering a lot over the past couple of days. Why do I get depressed? Is this something God has allowed in my life as a lesson to learn? Is it an attack? Is it physical, spiritual, or both? Am I going to struggle with this for the rest of my life?

And as I've been thinking, praying, and meditating on Scripture these past few days, I've felt HaShem impress upon me some important truths. I want to share them with you, and my hope is that someday my openness will be a blessing to someone else struggling with this ugly beast.  I don't have all the answers, but I will share with you what I have!

God is bigger. No matter what I'm facing, He is so much bigger than all of it!

This morning I read the last several chapters of the book of Job. It is HaShem's answer to Job after everything he has been through. Very powerful words, very moving. If you haven't read it recently, do it!

God knows. He sees everything. He knows my heart. He knows my thought processes.

"For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, ...discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart."  -Hebrews 4:12

God's love never fails. It never gives up. He knows all of this, and yet His love doesn't give up or even waver in the slightest.

"For the Lord is good; his steadfast love endures forever."  -Psalm 100:5

God created my mind to have a strong influence over the rest of me. My mind is of utmost importance, and I cannot ignore it.

"Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind..." -Romans 12:2a

God tells me what to focus my mind on, and His plan for me is abundant life.

"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things."  -Philippians 4:8

God does not force His will on me - I must choose it daily.

"Choose this day whom you will serve."  -Joshua 24:15


Finally, to close I want to add one more thing.  It is important to remember that I can go through all the right motions but not truly let Him speak to and change me.  This does more harm than good, tricking myself into thinking I'm doing well, but setting myself up for failure! This is why I believe there is so much power in admitting my challenges. I must be real with myself.

So today, I am choosing to renew my mind with the truth of God's word. I will set my mind on Him, and walk in faith.

"If then, you have been raised with Messiah, seek the things that are above, where Messiah is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth."  -Colossians 3:1-2

~ Judy

P.S. If you enjoyed the quote at the top, you can download the entire short book for free off the website, asamanthinketh.net.  It's a good read!

When the Blues Come Knocking

I struggle with depression. I used to think that it was something that I'd eventually master it, and never struggle anymore, but since then I've realized that's probably not going to be the case. I have a strong family history of depression, and I'm married to someone who struggles with it as well. I used to think it was mostly due to living somewhere that I rarely saw the sun, but now a rarely see clouds and I can still feel it trying to sneak itself in. I used to think that if I just hit a certain point in my walk with the Lord, I'd conquer it, but I'm stronger now than I've ever been and it's still knocking on my door.

I used to be embarrassed to admit to this struggle of mine. Didn't it illuminate some major weakness of mine? Can I really be fit to raise children when I struggle with this? Or to serve HaShem? Can He really use me?  But since then I've realized that just like other things that people struggle with, this is something that the Lord can use to His glory, if I let him.

It's been four months since we moved here to Idaho, and I'm starting to experience the "blues" again. I'm not sure of the cause - maybe homesickness, maybe burnout, maybe loneliness, maybe it's diet-related. Maybe it's not really any of that. I don't know if it really matters.

But I do have a major advantage over the last time I was struggling with depression - a much stronger relationship with my Creator, who is the only one who knows the answer to that question. He knows why this is a struggle of mine and how I can beat it. And He is the source of life - not just physical life, but emotional life as well!

So this morning, I am going to place this struggle into the hands that made me.

"Trust in him at all times, O people, pour out your heart before him; God is a refuge for us."  ~ Psalm 62:8

And instead of placing my focus on this challenge of mine, I'm going to choose to place my focus back on God's word.

"The law of the Lord is perfect, reviving the soul."  ~ Psalm 19:7

"Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer."  ~ Psalm 19:14

I am so thankful that I serve a Maker who loves me and has a plan for me! So for today, I will rejoice in Him and His truth. May He sustain me.

My Baby is One!

Watermelon instead of cake for this baby!

Yesterday, my baby girl turned one year old. It is a bittersweet day for me. I am so ecstatically happy that the Lord gave us Avigail - she is such a gift! Her sweet smile and gentle snuggles melt our hearts. Her love for her siblings brings a smile to my face on a constant basis. But her first year has completely flown by, and I am struggling to come to grips with that.  I am finding myself clinging desperately to her babyhood, wishing I could slow time.

She just realized that we're singing to HER!

As parents to small children, it can be very overwhelming at times.  Their needs are intense, and there are so many of them!  Mark and I have often caught ourselves lamenting our lack of freedom, and looking forward (maybe too much) to the days when our children will be able to take care of themselves a bit more.  It has become difficult to appreciate this stage of life for what it is.  But is the problem really the crazy intensity that is our life?  Or is the problem our attitude about it?

She loves it!

- - -

Over the past few months, as we have settled in here and I have had more time to ponder our home and family life, there are some things about this stage that the Lord has really pressed upon me.

First of all, I need to accept each day for what it is, and consider it a blessing.  Every single day, I start my day by writing a few entries into my gratitude journal. By starting out this way, I have found it easier to return to it when I'm struggling later on.  There is so much power in thankfulness!

"Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you" - I Thessalonians 5:18

Second, I need to have realistic expectations for my children.  They are supposed to act like young children - that is what they are!  If the Lord wanted kids to be born mature, He would've created them that way.  But instead, He gives them to us completely dependent - dependent on us to help them walk through the stages of life, to grow and develop.

Third, I need to remember that our children are like plants in a garden - given the right environment, they will grow.  My job is not to try to force growth and maturity on my kids, my job is to foster an environment where growth is encouraged.  That means that I have to be a mature person, and model those character traits that I'd like to see developed in my children.  Of course, those things that they struggle with so much also tend to be the same things that I struggle with, making this step so hard but so necessary!

Lastly, I need to remember that God has given me children to bring me closer to Him.  These daily struggles that I have with how I choose to approach my relationship with my children have the power to deeply change me.  I have blogged about this a bit before (click), but it's such a powerful truth to embrace that I want to mention it again today.  Through our relationships with our children, the Lord can work through sin and struggles in our own lives, bringing us into a closer relationship with Him!

- - -

So, as I embark on my baby's second year of life, it is with a renewed conviction and determination to embrace life as it happens!  I want to soak in every moment of her remaining baby/toddlerhood (ouch, it hurts to see that word "toddler" on the page!), and not just for her, but for each of my children. I want to cherish my children, to enjoy them, to truly love them in a deep way - thankful for the blessings that they are in my life!

With you on the journey,
~ Judy

Getting Through the Dry Times

Internet has a funny way of altering reality, doesn't it?  I enjoy the outlets of social media such as Facebook and blogging, especially now that we've moved and I'm physically away from most of my friends.  It's great being able to stay connected online. But we all have a tendency to present only the best part of ourselves online, don't we?  It's really not reality.  I mean, when is the last time one of your friends posted a photo of their child throwing a tantrum, or of herself crying at the end of a hard day?  This whitewashed view of people's lives around us can cause us to judge our own lives wrongly, and can make us feel inadequate and incapable.  And I am not immune.

This morning, after my quiet time, I sat on the couch trying to figure out what to blog about.  I've been quiet on my blog for a week or so now, and for the past few days I've been thinking about different ideas that I've had for possible posts.  I even posted about my dilemma on Facebook.  And a dear friend gave me some great advice: Just be real.  This morning, as I was pondering my different blog ideas and my friend's advice, I realized that to blog about any other than what I'm about to write would not be real.  So here it goes!

As I was saying, I am not immune to the nuances of internet communication.  I both struggle with judging myself based on other people's cute haircuts, happy kid pictures, and awesome dinners, as well as the temptation to always present myself as put-together, with a happy family.  So today, I want to share about my week - my real week.

Things have been kind of challenging this week, and many evenings I wanted nothing more than to get into Mark's car and drive away for a long time.  We have struggled with a nasty cycle - you know, the one where your children have had a rough week, which makes you feel inadequate and cranky, which makes them feel & behave worse!  Yeah, that's been our week.  For some reason, my 6-year-old, who is normally mature and able to reason very well for her age, has been struggling with a lot of anger and has had several tantrums - one of which was in the grocery store.  Ugh.  My boys have been fighting and hitting/pinching a lot.  And my babe is cutting 4 teeth, and hasn't been sleeping well, leaving both of us extra tired all day long.

And as a result of this, I have been feeling very overwhelmed and inadequate.  I'm having a hard time connecting with them (and therefore not able to give them what they really need to work through these issues).  I've been testy with my dear husband.  It's just been an "Ugh" week that I've been looking forward to seeing the end of.  So, here I am at the end of it.  I'm very thankful for a husband who understands my need for alone time, and has graciously given me an hour this morning to read, pray, think, and hopefully reset.

Now that I've done that, I can honestly say that I feel a lot better, a lot more capable of being the mother that I want and my children need me to be.  I'm giving myself some grace, replenishing my cup with God's word and the encouraging words of a great author, drinking a yummy cup of tea, and taking a deep breath.  My job as a mommy is the highest calling I have.  HaShem has entrusted me with these 4 little lives, and He chose me to be their mother!

Maybe you've had a week like mine, and can relate.  I want to wrap up this post by listing out some things that I can think of to help you in your attempt to reset:

• Give yourself some grace. Remember that ups and downs are normal and even beneficial.  Those down times can teach us a lot too!

• Be thankful.  Keeping a gratitude journal has really helped my maintain a healthy focus and perspective.  I highly recommend it!

• Take some time out.  Go out to coffee by yourself or with a good friend.  Go for a walk/drive.  

• Talk to God.  Be real with Him about how you feel and your thoughts.  He knows them anyway and it can feel really good to voice them!

• Enjoy something beautiful.  Music, art, and poetry have a powerful way of working in us.  You may enjoy creating something as well.

• Find some alone time with each of your children and talk to them.  Apologize.  Apologies are powerful for restoring relationships, and it sets a godly example. Encourage them with things you appreciate about them, and how God wants to see them grow and develop.  

• Go on a date with your husband, and talk things through with him.  Sometimes husbands can be a great source of encouragement and healthy perspective.

• Do something physical.  Sometimes we need to release stress in a physical way, whether that be going for a run, doing some gardening, or lifting weights.

Do you have another way that you reset from a hard week?  Share in the comments!  And now, I'm off to nurse my teething babe!

~ Judy

Being a Servant Mother

Yesterday I wrote a quick note about the challenge that the Lord had placed before me yesterday. I didn't realize it at the time, but the next chapter in "The Mission of Motherhood" is entitled, "The Servant Mother."  This morning, after my prayer and Bible study, I opened up my book to this next chapter and was deeply moved.  I believe that HaShem showed me that little snippet yesterday to prepare my spirit to receive what He wanted to teach me today - so if you haven't read yesterday's post yet, please do that really quick! (Link)

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Today's reading brought tears to my eyes.  As a mom, completely immersed in the routine - and often mundane - tasks of motherhood, I tend to think a lot about the future.  "Someday, my kids will be able to cook/do laundry/clean house for themselves," and "I can't wait until I get to sleep through the night/go out for more than 2 hours alone again" are thoughts I have on a daily basis.  And I will admit, I struggle with resenting all of the time and energy that my children consume with minimal gratitude in return. 

In this all-consuming calling of motherhood, it is vital that we remember why we are doing all of this! 

"When we choose to graciously overlook our children's messes and accidents, we are teaching them to be patient and forgiving with the mistakes of others.  When we react sensitively, thoughtfully, and patiently to them, we are helping to instill these qualities in their lives.  As they benefit from our unconditional love, they learn to extend it to to others as well.  As they watch us extend hospitality, care for others, and pray for them, they learn to make service a part of life.  And as they observe us searching Scripture, spending time with the Lord, and making faith-based decisions, they learn these things as well.  Modeling loving service to our children gives them something to emulate in their own lives."  -Mission of Motherhood, p.66

Just as our Lord, Yeshua served His disciples and followers, we are called to serve the children that He has given to us to disciple!  And this calling is one of infinite importance! But how do we do that?

"What does it mean to practice servant leadership as a mother? I believe it starts out with a choice.  I have to choose to serve Christ by giving my time and energy to my children - not just when I feel like it but when they need me. This means I often must sacrifice my own needs and desires for the purpose of giving my children what they need and modeling for them the depths of Christ's love... Choosing to be a servant-mother means willingly giving up myself, my expectations, and my time to the task of mothering - and choosing to believe that doing so is the best use of my time at that moment.  It means that, by faith, I have already made a decision to make myself available in the routine tasks and myriad interruptions of daily life because I believe it is God's will for me to serve my family through them." -Mission of Motherhood, p.66-67

I love how she says, "...and choosing to believe that doing so is the best use of my time at that moment."  That's what it's really all about, isn't it?  We struggle with resentment because we wish we were doing something else.  Because we don't embrace that serving our children really is the best thing we could possibly do at any given time.  So hard.  So important.  So life-giving.

Today, this will be my meditation.  As I go about my daily tasks and care for my kiddos, I am going to work to remember that serving them IS the best use of my time at any moment.  Serving them is serving my Lord.

~Judy

A Little Challenge for Today

A short but intensely-powerful challenge for you today:

I like to read inspiring and challenging book as part of my quiet time every morning.  Currently I am re-reading "The Mission of Motherhood" in preparation for the MomHeart group I hope to be starting up soon.  I read chapter three today, entitled "The Undivided Heart," and was reminded of something very important.

When we are mothering our children, we are not only serving them, but we are serving Yeshua!  By being gentle to my children, by being compassionate and empathetic to their needs, and by being present with them throughout their daily trials, I am serving my Lord. At the same time, I am setting an example to them of how the Lord wants us to treat each other, and demonstrating His love for us!  What a powerful act of service!

~ Judy

Character - Deepened By Motherhood

Lately I've been thinking a lot about how much the Lord has changed me and developed my character through each of my children. When I think about how many character flaws on my life have been exposed through the constant companionship of my kids, I am humbled and (dare I admit it?) embarrassed.

Before we get married, we all have someone tell us about how our spouse will expose things in us that we didn't know were there, and that if handled well, it will strengthen our character. The same thing is true of our children, and even more so! I know for me at least, my kids are with me pretty much 24/7 except for occasional times of solitude. I sleep next to my youngest, educate my 2 oldest, run errands with then in tow - they are my constant companions!  Anyway, that also means they have the constant ability to grate my nerves, test my patience and resolve, and push my buttons! 

But through them, I have wrestled through many personal issues, and I believe, come out on the other side with deepened character and integrity. And it's still an ongoing act of refining - every day I must choose to allow the Lord to use these interactions with my children to change me and mold me into a better likeness of Him.

My challenge to you today is this: next time your child(ren) is pushing your buttons or grating on your nerves, take a moment to breathe and allow the Lord to grow in you patience, sympathy, gentleness, mercy, self-control, empathy, or whatever it is that you are struggling with. And then, thank Him for the blessing of the opportunity for growth that your children bring you!

Blessings on your journey,
~ Judy

Uncomplicating My Life a Bit

After a wonderful date with my beloved hubby last night, I took some time to re-assess my priorities.  I tend to over-complicate my life with massive to-do lists, projects that I take on without considering the ramifications, and unrealistic expectations for myself and others around me.

So I decided to figure out what my top priorities are right now, and put the rest in a "closet" for the time being.  Here's what I've come up with:

Top Priorities:

  1.  Foster an environment for our family that is God-centered, peaceful, and joyful.

I'm going to do this by praying with my children daily, focusing on maintaining a right attitude in myself throughout the day, and modelling godliness for my children.

  2.  Develop and implement a routine for myself and our children, and support Mark in his own routine.

To do this, I'm going to create a routine chart for my kids (and stick by it!).  Major focuses will be our start-of-the-day routines, focusing on school when we're doing it, and getting to bed on time.

  3.  Develop local relationships!

This might be challenging (especially for my introverted self), but we're going to do our best to reach out and meet people.  I will hopefully be able to get our Mom Heart group started up soon (if you live locally, please contact me if your interested!), and we will be starting a weekly HaYesod group to study the foundations of the Christian faith on September 8th (again, if you're interested, let me know!).  I'm also going to connect with a local homeschooling group as well as La Leche League.

  4.  Finish my associate's degree

I will be taking CLEP tests in US History, Sociology, and Human Growth/Development over the next couple of months, as well as probably enrolling for a science course at BSU.  I'm planning to graduate in May 2013.

I think the hardest thing about all of this is all of the things that I have to put away in the "closet" for the time being.  I have so many goals that I am working towards that I need to set aside in order to make this happen.  It's so hard to admit to myself that I can't do everything, but I know that it is for the best.  Hopefully in a few months, I will be able to dig a few of those long-term goals out of the closet again and tell you about them!

~ Judy

Home-Churching & Leadership

Although my blogging has slowed down a bit lately, our lives sure haven't! We have had a wonderful summer so far - filled with gorgeous sunny days spent riding bikes, playing at the park, running in the sprinklers, and playing at the pool. Our kids have been growing and developing by leaps and bounds! In the span of one week, Eliza & Judah both learned to ride their bikes without training wheels, and Avigail started walking. Caleb's speech has been taking off too - so many changes!

The biggest thing that I wanted to mention is that after much prayer, Mark and I have made a pretty big decision: We are going to be home-churching! For anyone who may not be familiar with that term, it basically means doing "church" at home. You may be wondering why, and the answer is both simple and complex. The simple answer is that God told us to. The complex answer is that God has used a series of life experiences (in both of us) to guide us, has been gently speaking to us about this topic for years (warming us up to it, I believe), and had given us complete peace about it.

So what does this look like for our family? Shabbat starts on Friday night as it always has, with dinner, candles, and blessings. On Saturday, we get a slow, relaxing start with breakfast and our personal quiet times in preparation for hearing God's word. Then, at 11:30am, we hook up our computer to our tv and stream the entire service live from Beit Tikvah! This is the highlight of our week. :-)  We sing along, pray, and encourage our kids to join in too. When BT breaks for announcements, etc, I get lunch started. Then we sit and listen to the message, and our kids can stay and listen and/or color, or go play. When service is over (around 1:45pm), we have lunch. In the afternoon, we have family time! It's relaxed and centered on God and family.

In addition to our own family Shabbat, we are planning on starting a Saturday evening home Bible study in the weeks to come. We are still trying to figure out the details, but we are going to be going through a program called "Ha Yesod", which is a study of the Jewish roots of Christianity. (For more information, please visit hayesod.org)

Mark and I really believe that God is calling us to step up to the plate, so to speak. We both were heavily involved in ministry for many years before getting married, and when God called us to Beit Tikvah, we knew that it was to be a time of being poured into, a time of growth, and a time of developing a firm foundation for the rest of our lives to be built on. We knew that when we left BT, we were supposed to get back into reaching out to the world around us. Now were here, and we feel called to the area of helping the Christian church to better understand their relationship with God through their roots in their Jewish Messiah.

So if you think of it, pray for us! We still have so much change ahead of us and we want to make sure that we are clearly hearing and following God's voice all along the way!

~ Judy

* By the way, if you have a free Saturday morning, check out Beit Tikvah's service yourself! Go to ustream.com and search for Beit Tikvah. It streams Saturdays at 10:30 PST. Enjoy!

Can I Have a Mulligan?

I remember this computer game my dad and brothers used to play. It was golf on our old Windows 3.1 - a big step up from our Dos system! Anyway, it wasn't the easiest to play, but it had this wonderful feature - the mulligan! My bad shots (swings? strokes? My golf-loving guys could correct me, I'm sure) could be erased with a quick click on the "Mulligan" button. No ding to my score, no lasting effects, no one had to know!

Sometimes I wish life was like that golf game. I wish I could call a "mulligan" and start the day over - or at least start my kids' day over! It would be so nice to erase the bad choices, the negative words, the punitive actions that skew our course and send our day spiraling down.

But alas, life is not a video game, is it? And, making things even harder, my actions consistently affect everyone around me. As the mama, I set the tone for our home. I choose how I react or respond to what goes on around me. And my response to that is what really matters.

In my quiet time this morning, I read through Proverbs 31 - the Biblical description of a woman who fears the Lord. Verse 26 says: "She opens her mouth with wisdom and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue."

Today has been one of those more challenging days. I haven't had a moment of alone time (I'm writing this while rocking my 2-year-old to sleep for his nap) - even my "quiet" time was accompanied by kids bickering and a baby discontent with everything. And I can't say that I handled it very well either.

So now that I have a moment of relative peace, I am thinking about my morning and the impact that my choices have made. When I'm finished here, I am going to sit down with my big kids and apologize, and ask the Lord for grace to help me live the rest of my day with "the teaching of kindness on my tongue."

What about you? Do you ever wish for a mulligan? How do you restart when your day gets off poorly?

May the Lord grant us grace and strength as we endeavor to raise our little ones for His glory!

~ Judy

Free To Be Me

I was chatting with my friend last week about how things have changed for me since moving here. Prior to our move, I had lived in Washington for 9 1/2 years. It is where I feel I really became an adult, where I got married, and where I became a mother. I developed a lot of my self-identity in those things, as well as things that went along with them, such as being a home-birther (and childbirth educator), lactation advocate and peer educator, and an attachment parent.

And while these things are still really important to me, I also feel like there's a part of me that has woken up since being here. It's the part of me that is just Judy. There's such freedom in not knowing anyone and getting to start over. I get to decide who I want to be without any outside influence. I don't really have any social life, which frees me up to focus on my relationships with HaShem and my family.

And that is what I've been doing. Reinventing myself. Being who I want to be. Figuring out what is important to me and making those things my focus. Praying more about everything. Cherishing the life that I have been given - it is a gift!

~ Judy

Letting Go and Holding On

Although in most ways, we have settled into our new life in Idaho, we miss our friends in Washington something fierce. Before we left, my friend Lindsey decided to plan a road trip to visit us. In my lonely moments over the past month, I have held on by looking forward to her arrival.

For the past week since I last blogged, we have been blessed by their company. Our eight combined children are perfectly staggered at ages 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 and <1 and played together fantastically, bringing endless delight to their mamas and making beautiful memories.

Sprinkler time!

Shabbat morning breakfast for 11!

At the zoo!

Now that they've gone, I'm faced with the reality that my life in Washington has come to a close, and it's time to move on. Despite my sadness, it's time to allow myself to get plugged in here, to build relationships, find a doctor, and get an Idaho drivers license!

But at the same time as realizing all of this, I'm also realizing that the relationships I have don't have to end. I know, this sounds ridiculous, but I think there's a part of me that has really feared letting go of my life in Washington because I was afraid of what might happen to those relationships I cherish. Would they remember me after I left? Would they slowly fade away? When it comes down to it, though, I am thankful for the relationships I have built, and have I to trust that they are strong enough to withstand the distance.

So now, I am working on letting go while hanging on. Letting go of the temporal while hanging onto the eternal. And leaning on my Father's arms through it all.

~ Judy

Our One Month Anniversary

Today we celebrate one month in our new home in Idaho! As I reflect on the last month, I'm struck by how much things are the same and different at the same time. The foundations of my life - my relationship with God, my family, our values - are my constant rock. But there are so many little things that are new and different! Trying to get used to a new town, remembering roads and landmarks, finding new resources (doctors, groceries, entertainment, etc.) can feel overwhelming some days! Those days I am especially thankful for the solid family that we have and for the undeniable Word of God that brought us here.

In the book One Thousand Gifts (see my post a couple of days ago), we are challenged to practice gratitude for all those little things that are so often overlooked. So, here are a few "Idaho-Gifts":

Wide open spaces
Blue skies & sunshine
Farmland scenery on every drive
The park behind our house
A more-accessible yard
Eggs from a friend's "backyard" chickens
Raw milk, less expensive
A smaller house to keep clean
Carpet that isn't white!
Everything in closer proximity
Reciprocal zoo membership
Being close to Mark's parents and brother/sister-in-law

Now, on that note, we're headed to Mark's parents to celebrate Memorial Day! Blessings to you.

~ Judy

Choosing To See

"Because this is how you begin to spend your one life well -
receiving each moment for what it really is: holy, ordinary, amazing grace. A gift."
- Selections From One Thousand Gifts, by Ann Voskamp

As a busy mom, there are days - a lot of days, if I'm honest with myself - that I get lost in the mundaneness of it all. It's the same thing over and over - cooking, cleaning, teaching, correcting. I know that what I'm doing as a mom is the most important job on earth, but there are so many days that come to a close with the thoughts of "Isn't there more to life than this? This plain repetition?"

A year and a half ago, I came upon the book, One Thousand Gifts, by Ann Voskamp. The book shook me to the core, brought me to tears and gave me hope. The answer to my struggle? Choosing gratitude. And more - choosing to see God's hand in the little things, to see His blessings in those mundane things that I had grown so tired of.

And even though it has been a year and a half since then, I still struggle. Struggle to be thankful for those mundane things that fill most of my days.

Earlier I was thinking about my recent striving to set apart alone time at the start of each day. For the past couple of days I haven't had that time. My two youngest have woken up with me, turning my devotional time into a juggling act and leaving all of us frustrated. I found myself being resentful of the time they took away from my morning "me time."

Then I caught myself - "me time"? Wasn't this supposed to be "God time"?

And how am I supposed to meet with God if I can't even see the biggest blessings He has given me as just that? This life that God had given me is an amazing gift that I am to treasure and cherish - even those everyday aspects of it. And as I choose to see God in the everyday-ness of it all, I believe that it will change my outlook on life and in turn my relationships with my children and my God.

So this is my personal challenge for this week: to choose again to see blessings in the mundane, choosing to see the annoyances as opportunities. To try to find balance between my need for alone time and my children's need for me.

This is my challenge.

~ Judy

An Early Bird Stuck in a Night Owl's Body

I'm convinced - I am an early bird who is stuck in a night owl's body! If left to itself, my body will naturally wake up around 8-9am and go to bed between 12-1am. I've been this way as long as I can remember.

For years, I have wished that I could wake up earlier without extreme effort. In high school, I had to put my alarm clock on the other side if the room AND cover the snooze button with cotton to keep myself from turning it off in my mostly-asleep state and going back to bed. In college, I got the worst grades in my earliest classes, often because I just couldn't get myself there. And now, as a mom, it means I wake up with my kids and get my alone time late at night.

This might work out fine for me except for one *small* detail - those rare days when I wake up early are amazing! I love them. I love waking before my family and spending time alone in prayer and thought in a quiet house. Being the introvert that I am, I get my energy from those alone times, and starting my day that way gives me such a better perspective and attitude about the rest of the day.

Back when I was pregnant with Avigail, for the first time as a parent, I was able to get into a routine that enabled me to wake up early. For a couple of blissful months, I woke up around 7am, got ready, and went downstairs to read, pray, and think before the kids woke up for the day. The trick for me at that time was buying a new coffeemaker that I could set the night before. Knowing that I would get my fix, hot and fresh, as soon as I got downstairs was enough to coax me out of bed most mornings. Well, that and the fact that if I waited too long it would be burnt! It was still hard, but so worth it. And with each day my resolve grew stronger.

But eventually Avigail was born, and my time was no longer my own. Sleeping through the night became a faint memory, and I returned to my former pattern of late nights and late mornings. Even on the mornings when my babe didn't allow me to sleep in, I was still living in a constant state of new mom sleep deprivation.

So, that brings me to today. It's been over 9 months since our little girl entered our lives, and while sleeping through the night is still an elusive escape artist who I'm pretty sure won't be returning anytime soon, I'm ready to put my game face back on! Life is flying by at a dizzying speed, and I desperately want to be at a place in myself where I be present in and can cherish every moment. And for me, I know that will include bringing out the early bird in me!

And so it is with great trepidation that I share my morning routine!

- Bedtime (with a clean house, preferably): 10:30-11:00pm | First of all, an early morning has to start with an early bedtime. This has been a major struggle for me, but Mark and I are on the same page, so we're trying to encourage each other in that area.

- Wake up, shower, get dressed: 7:00am | My ultimate goal is 6:30 so that I have a half-hour to work out, but for now this is where I am.

- Head downstairs for tea, Bible reading, and prayer time: 7:30am | I recently gave up coffee in favor of the less-intense effects of tea. I quit cold-turkey and felt like a rock star. :-D

- Kids & Breakfast: 8:00am | This is when the kids typically start making their way downstairs. I'm working on making a habit of spending a few minutes focused on each child as they wake up (inspired by a friend of mine). Then I start breakfast and do dishes, and on goes our morning!

My morning isn't complete without these two things.  Well, and the iPod.  :-)

Is there anyone else out there trying to become more self-disciplined about their personal time?  Anyone other early birds stuck in night owl bodies?  Leave a comment and let's encourage each other!

~ Judy